LABELS KILLED ME

Let me tell you about a time where labels made me low and held me down with no way out. At the age of 10 years old I sat in front of a police station, where I waited and waited. I waited and sat thinking about what people had said about me or put on me.

This was the day I decided my life was unworthy of being lived, the day I stepped out in front of a police car at top speed. Imagine being 10 years old scared alone frighten every noise or fast movement making you shake in fear because of trauma and no one to reach to no hand to grab a hold of to pull me up and out of these dark days this living hell I was in. While I waited with headphones in sat on the kerbside the day turned into night it got darker harder to see me all in black, I was there to do one thing and one thing only, no one nor one thing could change my mind. As the night came closer it hit me all these questions and answers I needed but never found but had searched for 5 years of my life.

Why me? What did I do?

Why did my father kidnap me and my siblings?

Why was I raped?

Why did he hold a gun to us?

Why did he leave me alone to look after my siblings for 3 days alone?

Why did no one ever say no to him?

Who gave him so much power?

Why did no one ever ask why I cried when handed over to him?

Why did no one ask why I slept in a sleeping back and still do?

Was it me?

Was I evil?

Why did no one ever look beyond the bruises?

Why did my school never ask why I was punching and hitting and smashing things?

Was it just me?

It was at this point I realised and believed I was the problem I was evil, and the labels given to me defined who I am and what I was.

Now let me go into this a little more let me take you around my brain and see my view from inside my head, my view from how people of power and authority had let me down and let me get to this point.

From the age of 3 years old I begun to get labels stuck on me for the use of people who did not know me or my feelings. People who never stopped to think or ask what was going on just always quick to judge and begin to point fingers at everyone but themselves!

Growing up with a father who only used us, a father who never loved us, a father who only used us for self-gain, a father who allowed us to be abused emotionally, physically and sexually.

Imagine being 5 years old and had been raped 57 times in 2 years but no one to listen or tell, no police office or teacher to believe you.

Imagine going to school and being told that you are the naughtiest child there and that you are the reason you are failing, and the school has a bad reputation. Imagine not being allowed in a class because you were “to risky around other children” who are the same age, your friends people you play and learn with. Imagine normal life being taken from you in the blink of an eye. Open and close, now my life is different. Open and close your eyes for a minute and think back through this and imagine being me a child with all this weight on my shoulders.

Now we go to the day where life was not worth living, life was not what it was meant to be. The labels against me went against me the day these labels won the better of me and become the killer.

I had been labelled the worst child to work with, within my area within my local authority within my school. No one decided to talk to me or stop and think but rather they continued to use this label, I had no one to talk with play with or be friends with I wasn’t allowed to attended my local youth clubs I wasn’t allowed on the playground all I wanted to do is fit in but these labels were defining who and what I was in life and society.

My day in school had been a long one I had been stressed and over thinking had been up all night because of nightmares, worried and flashbacks but still no teacher or support teacher to listen to me or ask what was wrong, I couldn’t wait to get out.

3:15pm the bell rings I leave school crying I get home and change, I go for a walk down by the river I sat and thought “if this is what life is I don’t want it” it was this point I knew that I needed to take action to get away to get out of the living hell, I knew I needed to make the change and I said to myself “if this is my future I don’t want it”.

As it got later, I went and sat opposite my local police station hoping someone would notice and come over, but I knew inside I was worthless, and this would never happen. I sit there crying for hours listening to music with my hood up, how much more obvious could I be I needed someone?

It got darker and colder and this was the point where I heard the sirens and stood up and as they came around the corner, I stood out with my eyes closed and holding a cross in hope that I wasn’t evil and I would go to heaven after being told I would go to hell.

I stopped I thought I was dreaming but it hit me I wasn’t the police car had slammed on the car brakes inches away from me I slowly open my eyes crying, they closed the road they got out they stopped and asked why I stepped out why did I do this was this what I intended I couldn’t talk the officer was male.

Then a female officer appeared and the males moved away and she came forward took of her vest and put it on the floor and said to a scared, frightened, petrified little boy what’s wrong, it was with these very little but meaningful actions and words, she become different from all the rest she listened she understood I didn’t have to talk she just stood there with her arms open and said its ok, it’s ok to cry and be scared it’s ok to have a hug and come closer and gave me hug.

She was due to finish her shift in just half an hour but instead she stayed 5 hours with me to listen and talk and be there and let me cry and feel normal, she took me to the hospital to the emergency duty team and to what would be my new home. Before she left, she slipped her card under the door with a simple message “call when ready” this was when I knew there was someone there was hope for me.